Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
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The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.