[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Awwwww shit.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.