{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Selfie
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.