Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Merica.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?