FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.