[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?