Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
i want to work in this restaurant
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Canada has crack?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”