*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
You Might Also Like
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
twitter is a journey
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.