Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
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instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
This hospital has everything
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged