It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
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I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
This guy gets it.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.