I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I know
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.