Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat