*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl