the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.