Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
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USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
This is Sparta
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.