god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is