My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about