Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
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Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Leaving the Barbers like
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”