me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Xylophonist Shredding It
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”