*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My brain is a bad influence on me
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie