[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
How funny!
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.