I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
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WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.