My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
is there nothing we can trust anymore
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”