Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
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Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Schr枚dinger: How鈥檚 my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Imagine going to the gym and there鈥檚 someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
馃幍Baby shark!馃幎
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I wish I could veto my bills.
sorry I didn鈥檛 call the dog ate your phone number
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I鈥檓 not making anything else
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn鈥檛 work n Spongebob said THAT鈥橲 TWO THINGS THAT DON鈥橳 WORK 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶