My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Doctors texting each other.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
New tinder profile pic
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me: