They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.