IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”