Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”