(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
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#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Can’t stop laughing
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table