Smallpox sounds so adorable
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
How times have changed.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget