my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
What fresh Hell is this?!?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian