I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
You Might Also Like
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.