*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work