Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
You Might Also Like
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.