“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
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horrifying if literal: the electric slide
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.