WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.