*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
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Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.