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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”