friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Ugh but profoundly
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.