The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
nyc:
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”