Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Not recommended for beginners.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.