Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
You Might Also Like
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
“I’m helping” 😅
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.