$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.