It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes