Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
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my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello