people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
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Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?