My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
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you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.