her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
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“I took care of your clown problem.”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Not all heroes wear capes…
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
San Francisco has too many rules
Don’t frighten the programmers!
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.