If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I created you as mosquito food.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL