30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
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ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still